


The Monster Under My Bed.

by TheDarkestMindWithin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Changing Tenses, Child Abuse, Creepy Ben Solo, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Non-Linear Narrative, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-02-08 19:39:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18629944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkestMindWithin/pseuds/TheDarkestMindWithin
Summary: He stands after he's recovered and he's pulled out of me. Limp flesh."The lamb'll be done." He says, pulling his trousers up and buckling his belt.I lay where he's left me, stare at the ceiling."And the potatoes." I blink and squeeze my thighs, his spend seeps out between my thighs on to the cold marble beneath me.He works on putting food on plates, I work to regain my body.I get down when he calls me, redress myself as I go to his side, thighs sticky, feet bare."Wanna eat here or in the dining-doom?" He kisses the crown of my bed and wraps his arm around my shoulders, I murmur the dining-room. I take our forgotten wine, he follows behind with steaming plates.It's just like any other evening, it's normal that we don't talk about what just happened. It happens all the time, it's normal. It's fine.





	1. 17:40p.m.

* * *

_One._

Her leg flicks out, perfectly straight, muscles defined and strong, supporting leg straight and solid.

_Two._

Her back arches back, arms stretch out straight, fingers delicate and perfectly placed.

_Three._

She folds in, drops to the floor, curled in on herself, still and small.

_Four._

She repeats but this time in one fluid motion, lightning quick, _blink and you'll miss it_. The class she's demonstrating for looks at her in awe. Her teacher looks at her critically. Always wanting better than what is delivered. She'd rather die than go easy on her pupils and see them become lazy and messy. Her student leaves the position, bows and returns to her fellow class mates by the bar, throws her leg up and begins stretching. Towels the sweat from her face and arms, takes a drink of water as a different girl is called up to perform.

The lesson goes on like this until the scene has been performed by six different students. Everyone is excused after a small speech has been made by their mutual teacher.

The hallways are full of sweaty bodies newly released from lessons heading towards the changing rooms and showers, feet aching and muscles stiff. There is no such thing as an easy day here.

Shoulders slump and held breath is released when the steaming water touches her heated skin, melts under the heat as she takes her hair out from the three buns. Messy from the hard day.

Presses her forehead against the cold tile walls as she breathes in and out, rhythmic as the showers boom with voices fighting to be heard over the flood of water.

She's too tired today, exhausted from the lack of sleep and not enough food. It's normal though. Nothing to be concerned about. Plenty of the girls here do the same and they're fine.

She lathers her aching body with lemon scented body wash, encases her hair with flowery shampoo and coconut conditioner. She rinses off under too-hot water, body marked red and face flushed from the heat as she cuts the water off. Wraps her body in a fluffy towel, wraps her hair in a matching one and slips into expensive sliders, just like every other girl here.

Collects her things and goes to her locker, the room is loud and crowded. Laughter and chatter twine together and fill the space. She's too tired to join in. Once she is dressed she slings her heavy bag over her shoulder and slips out of the crowded space.

The bag weighs her down as she heads out into the hot summer's day. Air hot and atmosphere closed with heat. She puts on her shades and walks towards the bus stop down the road from the Academy.

Stands under the shelter as she waits for her bus. She checks her phone, they're not allowed to have them until the end of the day, smiles at the little videos her sister sent her and the mushy texts of adoration her boyfriend sent while she wasn't at his side. Butterflies flutter in her belly when she sees he has a surprise for her.

The bus pulls up to the curb, she produces her card and climbs the stairs as her fellow students walk down the road towards the bus stop.

Settles into her seat as she texts out a well practiced excuse as to why she won't be home today to her mother.

It's not bad, everyone does it.

The bus pulls up to her stop after nearly an hour, he's waiting for her under the shelter, she jumps off the bus eagerly, running into his arms, caught, pulled into his embrace while lips trace hers. They act like it's been years, _it's been hours_.

"You look sexy with your hair like this." He murmurs lowly into her ear, grins at her when she's blushing scarlet. Fingers tangling in the untamed locks.

"Had to wash it after dance, Ms. Kohl worked us all really hard today, made us perform for some first years." She starts, hands tangle together as they begin their walk back to his home.

"Really hard, huh? Bet you're starving then?" She shrugs and looks around the fields they're walking through, he doesn't need to know she skipped breakfast and lunch today. It's normal.

"Hmm, depends." She teases, biting her lip between her teeth and looking him up and down with what she hopes is a look seductive enough to change the subject from food.

"On?" He asks, looking down at her with amused twinkling eyes. Checking her out just as much as she is. Willing to play.

"What kind of dessert you're offering." It's a ridiculous line but it does the job as he groans and stops them dead in the path they were following, looking around the empty fields before he looms over her and slowly begins kissing her.

Grows hungry with more tongue and teeth. Moans against his lips. He pulls back smirking as he runs his thumb over her lip, takes her hand in his and resumes their journey.

He talks about his day as we walk, talks about work and the useless work some of them have been doing recently. Switches to his old friends calling and his coming trip to Chicago. A few minutes are spent trying to convince me to come with him.

I know mum would never allow me to go without a solid reason and a group to accompany me. He pouts a bit about not getting his way. Stops once we're home.

The house smells of fresh bread and roasting meat. My stomach rumbles and I realise how hungry I am. He fixes a platter of snacks and tells me the lamb joint in the oven has been going for a few hours.

I eat the salted crackers and cheese segments as he preps veg to be steamed, carrots, peas and parsnips.

"Hey, where's mine?" She says smiling when he pours himself a glass of wine but not one for her, he chuckles and walks round the island separating them, kisses her, jaw cupped as she tastes the wine in his lips, inhales the rich smell off of his breath before he pulls back.

"I don't know, how old are you again?" She slaps his chest as he laughs, gives her his glass as he goes off to get himself a new one.

"Y'know there are great wine tasting tours in Italy." She rolls her eyes as he fills his new glass up.

"Just saying, Chicago is a nonstarter but is Italy?" He sips his wine and takes the stool opposite me, I regard my drink and think of something to say.

"Can't you just say you're going to a workshop or something?" He asks, slight pout as I lean back and sigh.

"She checks everything, she'll check if it exists, if I went, who I went with, where I stayed. After last time she's never gonna trust me alone until she has to." I say as delicately as possible, his face drops, he drinks his wine, sulks as I bite my lip and watch. Wait.

"I'm sorry." I say guiltily, he sighs and looks around the room before finally settling his gaze on me. Rolls his shoulders and puts his glass down before he walks round the island and comes stands close to me.

Smiles down at me, cups my jaw and runs his thumb over my cheek. Smiles.

"It's okay, we'll figure something out." He says, voice full of assurance and love. Kisses me, lingers with his tongue and teeth. I know where these types of kisses lead.

I'm exhausted as his hand that's not cupping my jaw goes to cup my breast, circles my nipple until it pebbles under the attention.

I'm deadweight when he lifts me from the stool in favour of the marble top island.

I'm aching muscles when he lays me on my back and pushes down my trousers and snakes beneath the hem of my top.

I'm sore flesh as his mouth works over my newly exposed skin. Sucks marks into my scorching skin. I gasp when his mouth clasps around my breast, protected by the thin material of my bra, his tongue rubs over the erect nipple.

The hard counter edge bites into my bare thighs as he takes away my panties and puts his fingers between my folds. Pleasure, it's pleasurable but I don't know if I want it.

The smell of lamb floats around us, roast potatoes and steaming vegetables, he kisses me. Possessive and rough, groans against my skin as he pulls me to the edge and sinks in.

Long and hard, I gasp and whine at the intrusion.

It's a kind of fullness that involves pressure, he thumbs my clit while he pounds my pussy. I'm weightless under the attention.

The sounds of flesh on flesh, skin slapping, sweat mixing and heavy breath. I close my eyes and succumb to the mix of feelings. The way my body moulds to his. Gasping for breath as he pushes me to my release.

Cascades of pleasure. He follows straight after me, brutal grunts and hard grips on my flesh.

We fold into each other.

Recovering.

Reconnected.

Restructured.

He stands after he's recovered and he's pulled out of me. Limp flesh.

"The lamb'll be done." He says, pulling his trousers up and buckling his belt.

I lay where he's left me, stare at the ceiling.

"And the potatoes." I blink and squeeze my thighs, his spend seeps out between my thighs on to the cold marble beneath me.

He works on putting food on plates, I work to regain my body.

I get down when he calls me, redress myself as I go to his side, thighs sticky, feet bare.

"Wanna eat here or in the dining-doom?" He kisses the crown of my bed and wraps his arm around my shoulders, I murmur the dining-room. I take our forgotten wine, he follows behind with steaming plates.

It's just like any other evening, it's normal that we don't talk about what just happened. It happens all the time, it's normal. It's fine.


	2. 03:21a.m.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for non-consensual sexual activity.
> 
> Without Beta.

* * *

_'You have to tell someone, Rey.' I shake my head and brush off what she's telling me. Stare at the coffee sitting between my fingers. Steaming up my face._

_'Rey, he raped you.' I blanch at her conclusion. She always wants the most dramatic outcome of things. This is her way to get it._

_"That's ridiculous. I'm sorry, but how the hell do you get to that conclusion? I didn't say no." I say through gritted teeth, glaring at her across the table, she looks at me sadly, like a mother to a child about to tell them the hamster died. I recognise the look on her face._

_'You didn't say yes.' Her words cut my flesh, I glare a at her. Refuse to acknowledge what she's said._

_'Say no next time, if you need proof over what type of man he is.' I open my mouth to scream. Throw my coffee at her, ask how she dares t -_

I wake up gasping, gripping the bedsheets between my fingers, sweat soaked. I look around me, the room's dark, it's probably barely gone three.

The fan's on, blasting cool air through the room.

I lay back, his hand snakes over my bare chest, pulls me closer. His arm is heavy and hot against me.

"Bad dream?" His voice is gruff with sleep, sometimes I find it attractive, sometimes, now, sometimes it just reminds me of the age between us. His body reacts differently to mine.

"I - I don't know?" I murmur into the dark, lick my lips and frown. Of course it's a bad dream.

"What happened?" He's half asleep, fingers trace my skin, thumb runs over my breast, his lips are closer to my shoulder than I first thought. Breath blows over my skin, raises goosebumps.

"Mum was there. Not - Uh - Not Una." He sighs again, like he's tired for a different reason. Pulls me closer to him, kisses the corner of my mouth as he pushed his leg over my thighs, hard cock rubs over my hip. My breath hitches.

"You don't dream about her often." He rubs and groans, I flush, my hip's wet. His thumb and finger pulling nipple, massages my breast.

"What was she doing?" His lips are against my ear, his movements against my hip increase and I stutter trying to think, trying to speak.

He cums, I gasp with him. Shocked. He kisses away my words, fingers that are sticky with his spend slip between my folds, he massages my pussy, cum makes it easier for him until I get wet.

He assures me that when I'm older I'll produce more. When my body gets bigger. When I'm older. I believe him because he wouldn't lie.

She was wrong about him. She doesn't know anything.

I hiss when he starts playing with my clit. Arch my back and buck my hips from the intensity.

"There we go, there we go." He coos when I clench around his fingers, use the thick callous digits for my own high. Cum when his mouth clamps around my breast and sucks.

_It's not rape because I didn't say no._

_It's not rape because I came as well._

_It's not rape because I love him._

_Because he is not a monster._


	3. Step, Step, Step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

Rey walks into the busy changing rooms. Voices echo around the enclosed space, bounce off the walls and collide.

She dumps her bag on the bench below her locker, pulls out the pins and hair ties from her makeup bag she needs to fix her hair up. Around her girls giggle and whisper about all the nonsensical things that occur with teenage life. She doesn't concentrate on any of it. Doesn't relate to any of it. She's too mature for her age, that's what Ben says, what everyone says.

Instead she takes off Ben's shirt he let her wear this morning and changes into the dust pink leotard and silk ballet shoes he gifted her for her birthday. She's never told her mother about them. Instead she keeps them hidden in her dance bag.

"Ooh! That looks good! Where'd you get it?" Rose crowds her, smiling as she picks up the shirt and examines it, Rey's stomach twists. She knows that Ben wouldn't want Rose touching his top.

"Uhh, just some charity shop over the weekend." She lies as Rose slips it on over her leotard, smiling at Rey before as she admires herself in the mirror for a few moments before she takes it off and hands it back to Rey. She takes it with a forced smile.

"It's huge! Looks like something my brother would wear." Rose continues as Rey hums and tucks the shirt away with her shoes and jeans inside the locker. Knows how terrible it would be if Rose found out who it really belongs to.

"Soooo," She drags the word out, voice all excited and happy, Rey knows what's coming before she's even moved on to the next word.

"There's a party on Friday, a big one, Poe's throwing it, he wondered if you'd like to come?" Dread bubbles away uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach. How will she get out of this one? Saying her mum won't let her is getting old and she knows for a fact how mad Ben would be if she said yes.

"I'm actually staying with some friends Friday, we're doing a tap workshop." Rey lies, as causally as she can, shutting and locking her locker as Rose's face falls with disappointment, she hums and nods, makes Rey promise she'll come to the next one, Rey promises knowing it's a lie. She doesn't like lying to Rose.

* * *

She texts Ben when classes break for lunch. He's not happy she was invited to a party but is when she tells him she said she wouldn't be going, Rey feels a rush of pride at pleasing him. She wouldn't enjoy a house party either, not when she could be home with Ben. Not with so many people, smoking and screwing, it's not what Rey's used to.

She goes back inside when Ben tells her to go have lunch, she goes to the studio instead, she's not hungry and she'd rather spend time on her pointe. She works through the rest of lunch until she's joined by her classmates and teacher.

Her practice pays off when she's praised, she bristles with pride again, enjoying the praise.

The day stretches out for longer, Rose asking a few more times for her to come to the party before she gives up, knows it's a lost battle. Rey declines going into the mall with her and Poe and Finn, knowing that Ben would get upset if she was late meeting him, she waves them by when they get to the bus stop, climbing onto a different bus to them as her phone pings with texts.

Her mum asking her to be home tonight, she gives her another excuse. They both know she's lying but without solid evidence her mum can't do anything. Going to Ben's instead of home is different from going to Chicago or Italy with me, no-one knows Ben's back here, someone could find out if they went off together, they only have to wait a little while before they can be together without fear of being torn apart.

Rey thinks of something else, she doesn't like thinking of Ben being taken away from her, not after last time.

He meets her in their usual place, they talk about the usual things.

Everything's normal between them if she doesn't think, so she doesn't.


	4. 02:29a.m.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be tagging as explicitly as I do on my other fics because I do not want to spoil this story but from this chapter onward themes explicitly shown and hinted at will only become more present.
> 
> Violence, rape and other triggering themes will be depicted in varying degrees of detail so please do not read any further unless you are prepared for what is to come.
> 
> I do not condone any act depicted in this work it is a work of fiction and that is all.
> 
> Without Beta.

* * *

_I'm dreaming again. It's like watching a scene from a film you've seen a thousand times. You know what's going to happen, yet you can't quite bring yourself to turn it off or stop watching._

_Little Rey curled up into herself underneath her bed, dried tears on her cheeks as she listens to mum and dad screaming at each other downstairs. It's about Ben, it's always about Ben. Dad doesn't want him hanging around me alone anymore, I don't get why, I've always had fun with Ben, mum thinks he's being ridiculous and unreasonable, I'm on her side._

_He doesn't like that Ben's always around, he got back from somewhere and doesn't work like they do, mum says he doesn't need to, dad says it doesn't matter if he needs to or not. I try and drown them out, cover my ears with my hands and squeeze my eyes shut._

_I hear my bedroom door open, their voices get louder for a few seconds until it shuts again. I look through the cracks of my fingers and see his bare feet in front of me, bare ankles and shins, it's a hot summer and Ben doesn't like being hot, mum says it reminds him of where he used to be too much._

_"Hey, Jellybean." He says, smiling brightly as he bends under the bed, his hair is down and has grown a lot since he got here, he likes it long, dad says it makes him look like a bum. I smile at him and sniff as he reaches his hand out for me._

_"It's alright, they'll quieten down soon." Ben says softly as I crawl out from under the bed and into his arms, he hugs me to his big bare chest and sits us down on the bed, it creaks under his weight._

_"They're arguing about you." I say quietly, hiding in the crook of his neck as his big hands rub my back and pat my hair, he smells of apples, I like apples. He sighs and pulls me back so he can look at me as he speaks. He has pretty lashes, they're thick and long like mum's._

_"Parents argue about kids all the time." Ben says, stroking hair from my face and wiping away the tear tracks from my cheeks._

_"Are they going to send you away?" I ask, lip quivering and tears welling, he smiles and shakes his head, hugging me close to him. I don't want them to take him away from me._

_"I'm not going anywhere, Jellybean, I promise." He says quietly as he kisses my forehead and my cheeks and the tip of my nose, I giggle and let him put me on my feet on the floor, his big hand holding the both of mine as he reaches to my door and clicks the lock down._

_"D'you wanna play mummy and daddy's?" Ben offers, I nod eagerly, always loving playing with Ben. He doesn't play like mum does, he has special rules that only we're allowed to use, secret ones just for us. My tummy flutters as Ben gets to his feet and pulls his shorts down, he's big and hair and warm._

_He has this weird thing that I don't have, I know my dad has one too, Ben says all daddy's have them, he says mummy's have something else but we're not allowed to use my mummy parts until I'm older. Bodies are weird but I like when I'm with Ben so I don't tell him I think bodies are weird._

_His weird thing is long and thick and protrudes from between his legs, there's two other things that are round and hairy but Ben says that they're only for playing with when I'm older. He calls his weird thing my lollipop and says it's all mine, I like that it's only mine. It doesn't taste like a normal lollipop though, it's salty and bitter instead of sugary and sweet but I don't complain when Ben puts the head end against my lips and tells me to lick it._

_Sometimes he even shows me what comes out of it._

_He always praises me whenever we play with my lollipop, always says I feel so good and that he can't wait for me to be older, I can't wait either, though I don't know what we will do when I am older._

_Mum and dad finish fighting just as Ben's finished letting me lick my lollipop. He kisses my head and pulls his shorts back up before he leaves me to play with my dolls, he's unlocked the door and back in his room down the hallways before dad gets to my room._

_He asks me if I'm okay and I nod my head, the salty taste lingers on my lips -_

I wake up gasping, just like last night. I'm not sweaty this time but the fan is still on. Ben's got his body wrapped and curled around mine and I hide myself into his warmth, I'm comforted by his presence, I usually am after I dream of one of their arguments.

"Mum?" Ben asks, voice muffled by sleep and his pillow, I shake my head and look up to find him watching me through half lidded eyes.

"Dad." I say, he sighs and pulls me closer, lets his fingers run through my hair as his lips kiss the crown of my head, like I'm a kid again.

"S'alright, he can't do anything now." Ben says lowly, kissing me a few more times until he's fallen back to sleep, I just lay awake for a few more hours, thinking of dad and mum and all their fights. I feel my lollipop pressed into the small of my back as I do.


	5. Progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

**I'm walking up the gravel pathway, teetering on the rocks as I make my way to the front door. I'm early today so I have my keys in my hand, they make sounds as I go.**

**I stop when I see him, shock and disbelief and excitement all mixing together.**

**He's on the doorstep, hands in pockets, leaning against the house, waiting.**

**I run up to him without thinking, I'd missed him for so long!**

**"Ben!" I squeal, leaping into his arms as he turns and manages to catch me, laughing as he hugs me tight.**

**"Hey, Jellybean." He says into my hair, kissing me as I hug him close, tears welling up in my eyes as I inhale into the crook of his neck, he doesn't smell of apples anymore. He smells more like dad now.**

**His hair's shorter, he's bigger too. A lots changed about him.**

**"How long have you been waiting?" I ask when he puts me back on my feet, takes my keys from my hand and picks up my backpack that I had dropped besides us when I had jumped for him, he chuckles and doesn't answer as he unlocks the door.**

**I follow him inside, mum won't be home for a few hours and dad's been working later and later so I'm not sure when he'll come back. We have time before he has to go.**

**Ben leads me into the kitchen.**

**"I'm gonna make you a snack platter, want juice?" He asks, I nod as I sit at the breakfast bar, swinging my feet as he goes to the fridge and pulls open the door, he gets me apple juice and pours it into a glass.**

**"How was school?" He asks, taking out various types of things from the cupboards and fridge, putting them on the counter as I drink my juice.**

**"Ms. Kohl passed me on my A Troupe tryouts." I say, I haven't told anyone yet but I can tell Ben. He grins over his shoulder at me.**

**"That's fantastic!" He says, enthusiasm and pride in his voice and playing across gus face as I smile and blush.**

**"Here, I want you to eat all of this up and then we're gonna go celebrate, okay?" He says, putting a large plate of cut up vegetables, fruit and a half of a peanut butter and j sandwich down in front of me. I nod and start on the carrot and cucumber slices as Ben eats the other half of the sandwich and tidies away all evidence he was ever in here.**

**He sits on the stool besides me, he feeds me the strawberries while he rubs my thigh and compliments how much I've changed in the few months since he last saw me.**

**"You're so grown up, Jellybean. Bet mum's treating you like a woman now." He says, leaning over and kissing over my bare shoulder and neck, I squirm as my body breaks out into goosebumps, chewing the strawberry in my mouth as his hand on my thigh moves towards the inside. My tummy flutters.**

**"A bit more now." I admit, biting my lip. I'm not sure if I should tell him or not, I told dad and he reacted so strangely. Not like mum.**

**Mum says it's more of a girl thing.**

**"You're hiding something, Jellybean." Ben says, lips against my now sensitive neck, it feels good. I shiver but I'm not cold.**

**"You can tell me anything, baby." He says, it's the first time he's called me baby, it makes me feel warm.**

**"I got my period." Ben pauses and pulls back, retracts every part of him from me and I instantly regret telling him. He's like dad, dad's been acting weird since I told him too.**

**"I'm sorry!" I say instantly, hiding my face in my hands, tears threatening to spill down my face as Ben's hands wrap around my body, pull me to him.**

**"Don't apologise, Rey." He says firmly, kissing my head as he cradled me to his chest.**

**"You've got nothing to be sorry for, periods are natural, they're a sign of maturity. That you're a woman now." He says, his words are paired with comforting kisses and soft rocking. I take slow inhales of breath as I start to feel calmer.**

**"When did it come?" He wipes away the tears from my cheeks. I feel stupid for crying.**

**"Two weeks ago." I say lowly, daring to look up at his face and feel better when his expression isn't weird or uncomfortable.**

**"Wow, so we need to celebrate this too." He smiles, I feel better as he shifts me to straddle his lap, my hands on his broad shoulders as he smiles and moves his hands up from my hips to my cheeks.**

**Tucks the stray strands of my hair behind my cheek as I wait for something, but I'm not sure what exactly.**

**"You really are beautiful." He says, leaning forward to kiss me, his lips barely touch mine,.**

**"Your first kiss to celebrate getting into A Troupe." He says, fingers brushing my cheek as I feel giddy. My first kiss! Butterflies fill my belly as Ben holds me around my thighs and gets to his feet.**

**"Now we're going to celebrate you being a woman." He says, kissing me again, he presses for longer this time, it feels better.**

**He walks us out of the kitchen and upstairs, I bite my lip, nerves and excitement knitting together in my belly as we make our way into my bedroom.**

* * *

I stop thinking, stop remembering, I come back to the present. To where I am.

I'm sitting in the black leather chair in a large open spaced office, Dr. Holdo is sitting in a similar chair a few feet from me.

She asked me if I had seen Ben again, I shake my head and swallow.

"They made sure I would never see him again." I say, drinking from the cup of water in my hand, Dr. Amilyn Holdo had been one of my mother's closest friends. Not Una.

"How do you feel about never seeing him again?" She asks, her voice always so soft and tentative, I lean my head back against the headrest and stare at the white tall ceiling.

"I don't know, what's the normal thing to feel?" I ask, shrugging my shoulders as I blink away the tears that want to fall and roll down my cheeks.

"There is no normal way, Rey. You were abused for a long time by Ben." I scoff and wipe my eyes, putting the cup of water down as I shift in my chair, looking at her again.

"Numb, I mostly feel numb." I admit, maybe being the most truthful I've ever been to her.

"I've been dreaming about mum a lot, usually do when the anniversary's so close." I say, I guess once you start being honest it's hard to stop.

"Will you visit her?" Holdo asks, she's treading lightly here, knows that if I keep going we'll have made some progress. I don't want progress I just want Ben.

"I don't know." I lie, pulling at the hem of my sleeve and chew it slightly, she sighs. She knows today won't be the big breakthrough she wants.

"What about your dad? Have you thought about visiting him?" I shift again, I hate when she talks about him. I hate thinking about him. Guilt twists into knots in my stomach and I suddenly feel sick.

"I - " I leap up from my spot and run across the room to the adjoining toilet. Throwing the bare contents of my stomach into the toilet.

My head swims with everything. Overwhelmed. I dry heave for awhile, I never eat before coming here just in case this happens.

Dr. Holdo says we've done enough for today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing dreams stylised in italics and flashbacks stylised in bold.


	6. Smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

I leave Dr. Holdo's office, she's waiting for me outside, sitting in one of the expensive office chairs, she smiles but it looks awkward and forced. She never knows what to do when I've just come out of a session. Ben's in Chicago so I don't make up an excuse not to go back to the house with her. It's a thirty minute care ride of awkward silence that she tries to fill with telling me what everyone's been up to while I haven't been around.

Kaydel's doing the usual things she does, teenager-y and angst filled, she's getting the top grades for all her classes, she's nothing like me. Davran's different, he's too young to be getting grades so she mostly talks about how wonderful the pictures he draws in nursery are and how much he enjoys all the sports he does, neither Kaydel or Devran do dance, no-one says it out loud but we all know they're not allowed to, Unkar doesn't want them to end up like me. It's not possible for them to end up like me.

I'm released from anymore forced conversation when we get back, she goes straight to the kitchen and I go up to my room, hide away where I won't be disturbed. Kaydel's at her friends until later and Davran's at little rugby with Unkar.

I practice my pointe until Kaydel's return, she charges into my room and demands to spend time with me, her and Davran always miss me when I skip out on them for a few days, she tells me everything she keeps from everyone else, details how she likes this boy in her class but knows he's really just an idiot, she makes me laugh and everything becomes easy when it's just Kaydel telling me about her love life.

Things don't feel so numb.

We're called down for dinner not much later. Kaydel switches to talk about school work and how much she enjoys gym, she doesn't say it but we both know she wishes she could do dance instead, I feel guilty when she cuts herself off, there's no point in getting into a fight with her mum about it.

Kaydel sits at the breakfast table with me. She's eating the mountain of spaghetti her mum made us, it's too much so I just end up picking at it, I think about Ben and wonder what he's doing, wonder if he's having fun? A part of me hopes he isn't.

"So, anyway! Rey, how's Ms. Kohl?" Kaydel pulls me out of my thoughts, she's got the kind of amused look that you get when you ask about something that makes some lunge into long rants. I smile and give into her and start ranting about everything, from Rose to Ms. Kohl and everything in-between. It uses up most of the time that's compulsory to spend in the kitchen over dinner and it keeps us off of the other subject of what Holdo and I talked about today.

I excuse myself after Kaydel heads off to the living-room to watch some TV, I'm halfway up the stairs when the door opens signalling Unkar and Davran return, I don't bother going back down, I'll see Davran at breakfast tomorrow and Unkar and I never want to see each other anyway.

He sees me as the living embodiment of all of his wife's mistakes. I can't say I don't see myself like that either.

* * *

I text Ben once I hear Unkar head to bed and the lights go off. He's had a long day with back to back meetings and says it's more of the same for the rest of the week, we both wish he didn't have to stay the week. I skim over the fact that I had therapy today, Ben doesn't like that I'm made to go and he never likes what I tell him I told Holdo. He's worried I'll say something to get myself into trouble.

Eventually we end up talking about the anniversary, it makes Ben angry to talk about it but he doesn't shut me down when I bring it up, something I'm thankful for, I think he knows I can't handle being here as well as fighting with him so he makes the effort.

I ask if we'll visit her and he hesitates, three blue dots writing and writing until he finally said a short ' _not sure_.' I wonder if that leaves it open for me to decide but he adds that he'll be back before it comes so we can talk about it face-to-face rather than over text. I don't push to talk about it now and instead ask him to send me the photos he took while he had the downtime to sight see.

The museums he managed to visit are beautiful and I feel sad that I'm not there with him, he promises that I'll get to go one day and I believe him, Ben has always kept his promises.

Ben falls asleep before me, so I spend a little while on my laptop, searching places that Ben should eat at while he's away and some activities he can do too. It makes me less sad knowing that he'll be doing stuff I showed him.

I fall asleep a little while later and I end up dreaming of mum again.


	7. Castles In The Sand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

**"Rey? Rey, sweetie, we've gotta go!" Mum calls as she waits for me by the steps leading off of the beach and onto the street, dad's already gone, he's gone to get the car. I can't go yet thought because I haven't finished my sandcastle and Ben's not back with the ice cream, he's been gone awhile. Mum calls again and I know by her voice that I'm not going to get any more time so I finish patting the top of my castle and get to my feet with a huff, gathering up my bucket and spade before charging up the beach to where mum is.**

**"Jellybean!" I turn when I hear Ben's voice, grinning as I see him coming down the beach, four ice creams in hand, he's grinning and nods for me to keep going towards mum, I go and I'm at her side with Ben moving fast to catch up.**

**His hair's growing a bit longer now, he's not bald anymore, mum likes that he's not bald anymore too, dad's not. I don't get why he's not.**

**"There you go," He says, bending down to give me my chocolate ice cream, I grin and thank him as he kisses my cheek and stands back up, handing mum her green coloured one, she smiles and kisses his cheek.**

**"Where's dad?" Ben asks, licking the melted trail of ice cream from his thumb as he looks around as if dad's gonna appear out of nowhere, mum tells him he's gone to get the car and they exchange a look and Ben looks angrier than before. I don't understand why.**

**"Leave it." Mum whispers, it sounds like a warning but it doesn't quite fit, I understand now that it was pleading.**

**"Every - He doesn't deserve you." Ben says through gritted teeth and mum just shakes his words off and turns her attention back to me, smiling as she holds her hand out for me to take, I take it because Ben's still holding his and dad's ice creams.**

**"Did you enjoy the sea, Jellybean?" Ben asks as we walk, I nod and take his hand once he's finished with his ice cream and I'm done with mine, dad's is melting in his hand but he doesn't throw it away.**

**"The waves were really fun to ride!" I say excitedly, grinning up at mum and Ben, they laugh and I ramble on about the sandcastles and the sea, they listen to me without interrupting. We get to the car where dad is, only he doesn't look happy and he has the thing in his hand that mum doesn't like him having when I'm around. Ben mutters under his breath but I don't hear him and mum tells him to be quiet. She lets go of my hand and goes ahead of us.**

**Ben stops and kicks a pebble away with his foot, sighing. I feel bad but I know I haven't done anything.**

**"Are they fighting?" I ask, tearing my eyes from them and up to Ben, he chews his lip and we look back at them before he answers. They're talking, but it's too quiet for me to hear, dad's thrown away the bad thing that creates smelly smoke and he's got his phone to his ear as mum talks to him.**

**"No, they're not arguing." Ben says, picking me up without warning and putting me up and around his shoulders, I giggle and grab his hands as he starts zooming around in circles as if he's a rocket and I'm an astronaut. He's so big that I feel like I'm on a mountain, so far away from the ground that everything's small.**

**"Come on, time to go." Dad calls, drawing my attention back to the car, mum's already inside, Ben doesn't put me back on the ground until we're by the door, he lets me climb in first and gets in after me, dad gets into the front, the ice cream's nowhere to be seen so he probably ate it before he got inside.**

**Ben tells me stories as we drive home, I don't notice that we're driving too fast, I don't notice mum's crying and I don't notice that Ben's pissed.**

* * *

I wake up with a headache, my body hearts and the light makes behind my eyes ache. A bad migraine. I cover up with my duvet and try to escape the intruding noises from around the house, Ben's back today but I won't be seeing him for a few days, it's Saturday and that means going to watch Kaydel's sports day. I hate going to her school, knowing everyone sees me as the poor kid with the broken home.

I hope the migraine is enough to keep me home but I don't hold my breath, Kaydel comes to get me up at half ten, two hours before we're all meant to leave, I don't feel any better so I tell her I can't go, she goes and tells everyone, no-one checks up on me. Kaydel comes to say goodbye but after that I'm left alone.

I'm grateful.

I text Ben when the light hurts a little less and I can't put off going to the toilet any longer, he wants to come round the second I tell him I'm alone and unwell but I manage to dissuade him, instead he calls me and stays on the phone until I fall asleep. I slip in and out of consciousness.

I wake up with a foggy head and Ben's sitting on the end the bed besides me, he's on top of the covers, fingers stroking my hair as he reads me Emily Dickinson's poetry, it's nice, his voice is heavy and warm. I don't try to get up, instead I listen to him and fall back to sleep.

I wake up again to the smell of soup, my stomach grumbles and I barely register Ben's reassuring voice as he feeds me spoonful of the silky brother, torn up chicken and carrots mixed in every now and then, he makes sure I drink a few cups of water after and lulls me back to sleep with soft kisses and promises that sleep will help, I like dream Ben. I do as he suggests and fall back to sleep.

I wake up properly for the first time when the front door slams shut, I feel groggy and stiff from being in bed all day. I look at the clock on my side table and see it's close to eight at night, I hear Kaydel calling my name from downstairs and I call back, my voice croaky.

I move to climb out of bed to get some water but pause when I see a cup already on the table, a note attached. I pick it up and drink the water as I read the note.

'Get better soon.' It's from Ben, I smile and tuck it under my pillow as my door is pushed open and I'm no longer alone, I guess I wasn't dreaming after all.


	8. Una Plutt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

**I'm playing in the living-room, my dolls spread out all over the floor, laughing at Ben when he tries to do a girly high pitched voice, he's fun to play with because he doesn't mind playing with dolls, dad doesn't like playing dolls so I play with Ben.**

**Mum sits in her usual armchair sewing, she likes making beautiful flowers sitting in silk, dad sits in front of the TV with a drink in his hand that smells funny, he watches football with Ben, but Ben mainly plays dolls with me rather than being like dad where all his attention is on the game. I understand a bit of the game on the TV but Ben says I'll understand better when I'm older.**

**It's raining outside so I don't play in the garden. It's quiet besides the pouring rain until it's not. The doorbell rings out and I look to mum excitedly to see if I'm allowed to answer it, she looks at Ben for a second before she smiles at me and nods, going back to her sewing as I grin and jump to my feet, dollies forgotten as I run out into the hallway to answer the door.**

**Ben's behind me but I know only because mum wants him to be, he knows I'm old enough to answer the door alone now. I pull open the door and find a lady with wet hair and a big yellow coat on.**

**"Hello!" I grin at her because it's polite manners to smile at people who visit the house, that's what dad says. She smiles back at me but she looks odd when she does, her smiles all wrong, I frown at her.**

**"Oh my god!" I'm confused as she drops to her knees in front of me, her soaked fingers are pink from the cold and they reach out to touch me, I step back, letting go of the door. Ben scoops me up into his arms, taking me away from the strange lady on her knees soaked on our doorstep.**

**"Ariel!" She says it like she's calling for someone, mum and dad are here now and mum starts yelling when she sees the lady, yelling at Ben to take me away, she's crying, dad looks angry, I've never seen him so angry, not even when I spilt glitter all over his suit last month when he had a big meeting. It scares me, Ben takes me out into the kitchen, shuts the door, with it he shuts out mum and dad and the strange lady.**

**"Who is she?" I ask as Ben helps me put on my yellow wellies that are by the backdoor, we had been jumping in puddles this morning, before the rain started again, he doesn't answer. I stare at the yellow wellies, the same yellow as her coat.**

**"How about an ice cream in the rain?" Ben offers as he helps me with my mac before he puts his own black one on. I grin and nod my head eagerly, mum never letting me have ice cream when it rains.**

**"Our secret?" I ask as he pushes my hood over my head and picks me back up, I like it when he carries me, when he holds me close to him. He laughs and shakes his head.**

**He opens the kitchen door and there's muffled yells as we pass, dad's in the doorway and mum's trying to hold her back but she's staring at me as Ben carries me pass and she's yelling. She scares me.**

**" _Ariel! That's my daughter! Let me see my daughter_!" I think she's sick and she thinks I'm someone else, like when Ben took me to the park once and a lady thought I was his daughter. I hold onto Ben and hide my face in his chest. I hope she finds her daughter.**

* * *

"Did you never hold resentment towards your father and Leia, Rey?" Her voice brings me back to the usual setting that I drift away from so often, I sigh and pick at the arm of my chair, shaking me head.

"Why would I? Una's the addict." I shrug, I try not to fidget as Holdo writes notes in her pad of paper, it used to bother me that she wrote things about me but now I don't, she doesn't know anything and she definitely doesn't know what's going on inside my head. Let her write.

"But they lied to you. Leia lied to you." I wonder how she feels talking about Leia, they had been best friends, Holdo was even Ben's godmother, not that she would ever acknowledge this fact ever again. I wonder if the real reason she kept these sessions going was because she wanted answers just as much as everyone else? It's a twisted thought that probably holds more truth than I'd like to think about.

I lean back into the chair and stare at the ceiling, blinking away the tears I hadn't even realised had started falling.

"She did the best that she could with the cards she had been dealt." I say, echoing mum's words, she'd said them when I had asked her why her and dad had lied to me for so long. I never liked what she said, I found it to be an excuse easily given. I wonder dad would have said the same had I asked him.

I didn't ask him.

He never answered with what I wanted to hear anyway.

Holdo says we've done enough for the day and lets me go.

Una's waiting outside for me again. She's got flowers with her today and she's dressed smartly. It's the anniversary.


	9. In Loving Memory Of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, they fucked on a grave...
> 
> Without Beta.

* * *

**The bedroom is warm, it has a dreamy sort of haze over it due to the afternoon sun pouring in from the two bay windows overlooking the garden. Mum wanted a balcony but there wasn't enough time to find one that did. I like the bay windows better.**

**Ben twirls me round as we enter the room, I laugh with him while he shuts the bedroom door with his free hand, there's no lock on this door. Mum doesn't like locks anymore. Not since she found me and Ben playing.**

**"Stand still," Ben commands with a smile as I continue dancing round the room, waiting for the big reveal. I giggle and do as he requests, standing as still as I can in front of him, he smiles down at me, tucking the stray strands of his hair behind his big ears before his hands move to mirror his movements, tucking my hair behind my ears as I grin up at him. Butterflies fluttering in my belly.**

**"I want you to stand still, okay?" I nod, grinning from ear to ear as he smiles, bends down to kiss my nose lightly before he gets to his knees in front of me, smiling as his hands trace over my shirt and pants.**

**Ben takes off my pants first and I flush as he stares at my bright pink boy shorts that mum laid out for me this morning. I feel babyish for some reason.**

**"You're growing a little hair down here now, Rey." Ben says, his voice deeper than usual. I flush bright red. Rose had been talking about shaving for weeks.**

**"It's beautiful." He leans in close and kisses over my hairy spot, I feel better about it now, I relax into his kiss, trying not to move or squirm when Ben starts removing them.**

**"Ben!" I giggle with shock when he starts to kiss over my belly, stretching out my top as he disappears beneath it, his stubble scratching of my skin. He laughs against me and pulls back and out from under my top, he's grinning up at me before he carefully lifts my foot and then the other out of my underwear. My smile is replaced with a more nervous one as Ben's hand touches my now bare bum.**

* * *

Una drives us out. It's just the two of us.

She smokes the entire ride with the hand holding the cigarette stretched out of the window the whole time. She knows I can't stand the smell. We don't talk. We don't talk. It's spent in silence until we're a half hour away, inside of the tiny town I lived in till I was eleven years old, then Una decides it's time to talk.

"We're visiting your father after we're done here." We're caught at a red light and she's taking a long drag of her cigarette. I glare at her and know she sees me, even if she won't look at me.

"I don't want to see him." I say through gritted teeth. Una swears low under her breath as she flicks her cigarette out the car onto the road and starts getting another one from the dashboard, the light turns green and we're moving again. I feel sick.

"He wants to see you." She lights the cigarette with one shaking hand as she drives through the narrow streets, we draw attention from people in shops and on the sidewalks, we always do. I sink into my seat, even though they can't see me. They know.

"You can't make me go." I spit as we turn off the road.

"I can." Una says with deadly calm seeping into ever aspect of her as she pulls the car to a slow stop. She unlocks the door as I sit up in my seat. Finally, she looks at me and I hate how much I see of myself in her face. She looks like she's going to say something but she shakes her head and reaches across me to open the door instead.

"Say hi to Ben from me." I freeze with one foot on the muddy ground, she's staring me dead in the eye.

"Back in an hour and we can go see dad." I mechanically climb out of the car. I wait and watch her slam the door shut after me and drives off. Off to sit in some bar until it's collection time. I feel sick and after a few steps across the threshold I fall to my hands and knees and start heaving up the contents of my stomach. There's not a lot, water and half a bite of an apple that Una shoved into my hand while we were in the car.

I stay on the ground long after my stomach has settled. I sink my hands into the soft mud floor, it gets under my nails and in-between the lines of my palms. My knees are soaked and muddy. The rain starts up again and starts pounding on my back. I get up and stumble blindly through the darkening graveyard.

"Rey?" I hear his footsteps on the mud, a warm arm wrapping around me. His arm.

"What's happened?" I shake my head, hiding in his chest as he holds me. He's holding an umbrella over my head. He's a big dark shadowy figure

"I wish he was dead and not her." I say quietly. It's the first time I've said it, I feel lighter after I've said it.

"I know." He murmurs into my damp hair.

* * *

**Ben's hands are warm and big on my body, he doesn't take my top off but instead he kisses my neck and lips again while his hands continue to squeeze my bum. It's weird and new and I don't hate it, I feel my lollipop pressing against me.**

**"So," He pulls our lips apart, dribbles spit on my lip as he pulls away, he tells me to leave it to dribble down my chin. Says making a mess to clean up is part of the fun. I don't know so I don't argue.**

**"Do you want to celebrate now?" I don't tell Ben that I thought that's what we were already doing so instead I nod and grin when he grins. I play with my hands as he takes a step back from me and pulls his top over his head, he's changed since the last time I saw him. His body is bigger with muscle and darker, I suppose he's been outside a lot, I wonder where? Ben tells me to take my top off too and I do, feeling embarrassed when I reveal the matching training bra to my boy shorts.**

**"Wow, look at you!" Ben says, drawing my attention away from my insecurities as he puts his hands back on my narrow hips, smiling down at me as he lifts one hand to cup my small breast, goosebumps raise over my skin at the touch.**

**"You're so grown up now, Jellybean. My baby sister all grown up." He declares, making me smile, feeling better about my changing body now more than I had done in months.**

**"I'm going to make you a woman." Ben says, his voice dropping as he puts his lips back to mine, lapping at the drool still on my lip. His words ring as a promise, his hands reaching behind me to remove the bra. It falls away to the floor. My nipples pebble from the temperature change and I breathe heavy when Ben's fingers circle my torso back up to my breasts. Teases at the small mounds that had started growing over summer.**

**"Bed." He whispers, voice dark and heavy as he rests our foreheads against each other, I follow his instruction and go lay down in the centre, watching as Ben removes his trousers and his boxers. I stare at his body. The first time he's been so naked in front of me before.**

**He's bigger somehow without the clothes and I never knew how big his lollipop was hanging between his leggings, jutted out.**

**It's red and swollen and the head glistens in the afternoon light that pours in from the windows. My body tingles at the sight. Lower down feels like I have a pulse, I squeeze my thighs together but that only makes the pulse stronger. Ben watches.**

**"It's normal." He clarifies without me needing to ask, I let the tension go when he does. I'm still normal then. Ben crosses the room and stops at the end of the bed, smiling down at me as I try to fight the urge to cover myself up. Reminding myself that it's just Ben and he's seen me naked countless times before, but this feels different.**

**I haven't seen him naked before. Not like we are now. He kneels down and takes my ankles into his hands, massaging my calves up to my thighs. Kissing along my foot, I watch with unsteady breaths. Pulsing starts up again.**

**"Open your legs for me." His voice is so soft and persuasive that I do as he asks, opening them slowly, fearing what he'll say once he sees what lays between them. The air rushes in and I shiver at the change of temperature, Ben just smiles and trails his hands up my body, he dips a finger along the outside.**

**"I'm touching your outside lips, labia." He explains. His eyes fixed on mine. They're dilated. His fingers drag over my skin and I swallow, trying hard not to squirm away.**

**"This is your labia too, but the inside lips." Ben continues, like he's telling me facts about the trees in the backyard when we were younger. I inhale and exhale. Shaky and laboured.**

**"This is your urethra, where your pee comes from." Ben continues, I jerk away as flutters shoot through me, he laughs and settles me back into place, I try to close my thighs but he holds me in place, using his shoulders to push my thighs apart. I watch as his fingers disappear inside of me. I bite my lip to keep from crying out at the pressure. The fullness.**

**"This is your vaginal opening," Ben pushes his finger in an out, his nail scraping over my flesh as I ball my hands into fists in the sheets and push down on him, trying to expel him from my body as it feels as if he's cracking me open.**

**"Shh, it gets easier." He promises, though I don't see how that can be true from how painful it is! He retreats after he's done it several more times.**

**"And this," His fingers drag over what he called my labia, my inside lips, and stops. I swallow with apprehension and wait. I find myself scared by what he'll do next I remind myself that it's just Ben and he would never hurt me.**

**"This is your clit, only I'm allowed to touch this."**

* * *

We stand in front of the gravestone. Ben's put flowers down already and disposed of the dead ones, we planted some once but they never took. I remember Ben saying it was a reflection of her as a person. I didn't get it until later.

I hold him close as we stare at the black marble, immaculate even after all these years. Gilded lettering. Refined and expensive.

"Hi, mum." I say, bending down level to the writing. I feel sick but I know that even if I do throw up, nothing will come. Ben hovers back behind me, he never goes too far when we come here.

"I'm sorry we don't visit but it's hard, we don't visit dad either." I say, I'm always awkward when I speak to her, Ben kneels besides me and takes my hand in his as I lean into his chest. Shutting my eyes as I breathe in the smell of flowers and rain and mud and grass.

"I wish we could run away." I say quietly, unsure if he'll hear me over the pounding rain, he squeezes me closer and leans down to plant a kiss on my lips.

"We will, soon." He promises and the seriousness of his voice fills me with belief and hope that we'll be free. One day we'll be free to be with each other and away from everyone else.

"I love you." I say quietly, looking up at him, my hand cupping his jaw as I reach up to kiss him, soft and devoted as I part my lips for his tongue to slide inside. I moan with delight when he does. Everything melting away when his lips are on mine. I reach my hand between us and palm at his cock, asleep within his trousers and boxers. His lips quirk against mine.

"We can't," He doesn't move my hand away so I keep going, he starts growing. Our kisses get rougher. Everything continues to melt away.

"We'll get sick." It's a flimsy reason. I reach for my own shirt and trousers, start undoing them as I pull away and fall back onto the muddy grounds, resting my head against mum's headstone. Ben watches as I slip my filthy hand inside my pants. He watches as I slide my fingers inside my panties and start guiding them towards - Ben growls and grabs my arm, pulls my hand from my panties and presses my head into the flowers he'd laid here earlier.

"Rey - " I shake my head and kiss away his objections, accusations. Only wanting him.

We strip each other without any words, only choked moans and strangled groans. We're naked bodies crawling around the mud. Ben fucks me without thought or inhibitions. Sharp thrusts of his hips and punishing touches of his fingers. I'm screaming into the dark sky over us. Drowning in orgasm while the rain pounds on our dirtied flesh.

He cums while I stare at the gravestone of our mother. Ben's mother, the woman who raised me.

The woman _we_ murdered.


	10. Old Wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

Una doesn't say anything when she picks me up and sees my torn up clothes, mud-riddled hands and face and screwed up hair. She doesn't say anything, she simply opens the door for me and I climb inside. I make a puddle in my seat from the rain and my soaked clothes, she still doesn't say anything. She watches the road.

She drives us home instead of following through with her original plan to go see him, she can't visit him and show up with me in the state I am, so she takes me home and drags me upstairs to the bathroom to get cleaned up. She still doesn't say anything. She barely looks at me. It's just quiet until she leaves me.

I hear her screaming downstairs to Unkar once she's gone, he doesn't scream back. I've never heard him raise his voice. I stay in the shower longer than I need to, I tilt my head up and face the spray of water until it turns icy and I start shivering, my lips turn a very light blue at the corners. I think about Ben's hands on me, cold from the mud. I trace the marks left on my body from where his hands were too rough. I shut my eyes and inhale, choke on the water, I step out from the spray before I can't catch my breath, I want to stay. I cut the water off and step outside, grabbing for the gown on the rail, I hide all the marks beneath the soft material before I unlock the bathroom door and step outside. The house is warm and quiet. No more screaming.

I cross the landing, Unkar and Una are at the bottom of the stairs. Unkar catches my eye so I stop and turn and stare at him down the stairs, he stares back. His jaw set and body tense but his eyes are sad. It's why we don't talk. The sadness.

He can't look at me without feeling sad, like he failed me somehow. I drop my eyes. I hate the way he looks at me.

"He's going to prison." Unkar says, his voice is soft, like he doesn't want to say the words out loud, I don't understand what he means. I don't know _who_ he's talking about, why he's so sad about it. I look at him.

"Who?" I ask but there's a knock on the door that interrupts us and Una answers it so I have to wait for my answer as we both turn our attention to the door. A man stands on the doorstep with a woman besides him, there's a police car flashing behind them, neither are dressed in uniform. A cold chill of dread runs down my body. I get déjà vu from the scene. The chill sinks into my bones, making home in the marrow.

"Mrs. Plutt?" I feel sick as Una nods, they produce police badges. Everything in me says run but I'm stuck watching the scene play out at the bottom of the stairs.

"I'm Detective Mace Windu, this is my colleague Aayla Secura. We received a call from this residence earlier this evening," Una nods and doesn't look at him as he nods in his own acknowledgement to Unkar. His eyes draw to mine and I still want to run. I know what happens next. What happened before.

"I think you should come in," Unkar suggests as he nods towards the living-room door, the officers nod and the man drops his eyes from mine and looks at Una. Una whose face is crumbling as the seconds tick by.

"Perhaps you should tell us what's happened?" The woman, Secura, suggests looking at Una far more sympathetically. Una nods silently and leads them into the living-room.

"Would you like some coffee?" Unkar turns back to me, there's determination in his eyes now when he looks at me. I raise my chin in return.

"Get dressed and come down, please?" He phrases it as a request but I know I have no option but to do as he says, I don't respond though. My tongue too big in my mouth to do so, he watches me for a few more seconds before he walks into the living-room and closes the door behind him. I walk to my bedroom, despite feeling like I'm glued to the carpeted landing floor. I feel like I'm unable to move, but I an and I do. I move across the empty space into my bedroom.

I don't even realise I'm crying until I pull my top on over my head and the collar gets wet. I'm inside my bedroom, the door shut behind me, it doesn't feel like my bedroom, it never has, it never will now.

My phone rings, the secret one that Ben gave me in case of emergencies, I pick it up and answer it, let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding in when he starts talking and he doesn't sound angry or upset. Maybe this is all just a bad dream. Maybe this isn't happening.

"Rey, don't tell them anything, I love you." He hangs up before I get to say anything, I hide the phone when someone knocks on the bedroom door and pushes it open before I answer. I turn just as they're entering.

"Hi, Rey," I don't know her, she's young with thick dreadlocks pulled back over her shoulders, she smiles at me, Secura. She's pretty but she's not here because she's pretty.

"I'm Aayla, I thought we could have a chat?" Her voice is soft and gentle and caring and open and everything I wish I had had growing up. I don't say anything, Una steps inside the room after Aayla and the want to run floods back. It's happening again. It's all going to start again.

"What about?" I find myself saying before I realise I've decided to. I want Ben. I want to know what's going. I want -

"Your mum's worried that you saw your brother, Ben, today. I just wanna chat about if you did or not." I cross my arms over my chest and glare at Una. Glare at Aayla Secura. I want this to stop. I want everything to stop.

"SHE'S NOT MY MUM!" The words bubble up past my teeth without realising they ever would. Una hangs her head in her hands and starts to sob. Hard, harder than I've ever seen anyone cry before. It starts all over again. Whether I want it to or not. It never mattered what I want. It starts again regardless.

Unstoppable.


	11. Once Upon A Time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Beta.

* * *

**'Once Upon A Time, In A Far Away Land, There Lived A Little Girl.**

**She was small with skin as white as snow and hair as dark as coal.**

**The little girl was loved by all who met her, the butchers and the bakers, the dress makers and the kitchen cooks.**

**She was cared for by all in the village, the butchers taught her how to skin rabbits and cut beef.**

**The bakers showed her how to lattice and how to knead.**

**The dress makers showed her all the intricate ways to stitch.**

**The kitchen cooks showed her how to wash pots and pans and how to keep the cat at bay when it woke from a nap.**

**All loved the little girl - '**

**"This isn't a very good story." Mum laughs as she peers over the book in her hand, her glasses teetering on the end of her nose. She has her hair down and it frames her face, she looks younger with her hair down.**

**"And why isn't it a very good story, Rey?" She asks, smile still in place as the wind howls against the windows and rattles the trees in the garden. I snuggle deeper into my covers. Keeping the cold out.**

**"Because there's no baddie!" Mum laughs again but before she can answer dad knocks on the bedroom door and peers inside, clinging to the door with his body hidden. We both turn to look at him but he's not smiling like he usually is when he comes to say goodnight. No, he's frowning.**

**"Lei, you need to come downstairs." He sounds tense and I frown, mum sighs and takes her glasses off, settles them down on the table by the chair and gets to her feet, I start pushing the covers back to follow her. Dad stops me.**

**"Stay here, doll." Mum smiles at me but it's not the same one as before, I pull the covers back and watch them both go, I wait for their footsteps to disappear before I climb out of bed and follow them, I sit on the landing, peering through the railings of the banister overlooking the hallway.**

**Mum's standing in the hallway with dad and someone else, someone I don't know. They're talking too quietly for me to hear.**

**I think they can't see me until his eyes are staring right into mine. I gasp, mum and dad turn to see where the sound came from, he's walking up the stairs already, striding with long powerful legs. He's skinny and long.**

**"Hello, Rey." He says, his voice is soft as he bends down to meet my eye, I shy away from him but there's nothing to hide behind.**

**"I'm Ben, I'm your big brother." His voice entices me closer, he smiles and I smile back. I didn't know I had a brother.**

* * *

**I squirm as Ben licks what he calls my clit, I cross my ankles that are behind his head and squeeze my eyes shut as my insides start to pulse harder, I feel like I can't catch my breath. It feels good. Ben put my legs over his shoulders, his hands holding my arms above my head, so I wouldn't move too much. I move anyway but Ben doesn't get annoyed, he says it means I'm enjoying it so I must be although I don't know, it's weird and intense and I can't get used to it but it feels good. There's a pressure in my belly that's building. Like knots.**

**Ben says it's meant to feel good. After a little while has passed I start to feel something wet dripping under my bum and the scratch of Ben's stubble on the inside of my thighs doesn't tickle anymore. I drop my head back against the mattress and start to cry, I'm not crying though, I don't know how to describe it, Ben says I can be loud while mum and dad aren't home so I am. He says that when they're home we have to be quiet when we do this, he wants to do this again.**

**I huff when he continues licking, he even sucks a few times but I squirm so hard that he stops, says that he'll work up to sucking. I nod. My body is sweaty and red as Ben keeps licking my clit. The pressure in my belly feels like it's going to explode. It does.**

**I can't describe what happens, my body feels like it's on fire but it's a good fire. Ben watches me, lifting his head from my thighs as I withe around the bed, unable to control myself. It slowly stops, like I started in the middle and only know the ending. Ben grins at me when I'm staring at him again, everything in focus. He says I just had an orgasm, I don't what that is but he says it like it's a good thing so I smile back at him and pretend like I'm happy about it. He leans back on his knees then, looking at me as he puts my legs around his waist rather than his shoulders.**

**"You're ready now." He says, his fingers touching my clit, rubbing, I squirm and it makes the pressure in my belly return. He does it for awhile until he stops and smiles again. He's excited so I'm excited too. His finger touches me again, slips inside, I don't feel like I'm being split open again but it's still a lot, I squirm, trying to get used to the intrusion.**

**"You're so right." I don't know what he means, I don't understand. Ben doesn't explain what he means, he leans closer and his lips are on mine again. He moves and then I feel it.**

**Tearing away from his lips as I cry out. Loud and pained as something else is inside of me. Not his fingers. I look between us.**

**Our bodies joined now by -**

**I don't understand. His lollipop is inside of him. Disappears and then reappears as Ben moves. Rocking. I feel him, despite the pain. I don't know what I'm meant to do. What I'm meant to think. I look up at Ben.**

**His eyes are screwed shut, his lips are parted and he's making lots of growling noises. He's pinned me beneath him with his hands suddenly on my hip and on my neck.**

**The pressure starts again. I feel like I'm being split open. I want him to stop. It's too much. I'm crying again. I don't sound like me. Ben doesn't sound like Ben.**

**"Gonna fill you up!" Ben says, his voice is all weird. Like someone has their hand around his throat. I don't understand what he means.**

**I look at my bedroom door, suddenly open. Ben's pushing more of the lollipop inside. I think I'm split in two.**

**Mum stands in the doorway.**

**"Mum!" I'm overcome suddenly. Happy that she's seeing. Seeing Ben make me a woman. She should be happy.**

**"Rey? Who - ?" She doesn't look happy, I try to move but Ben's rocking still. Grunting like an animal. His hips are moving back and forth faster and harder. It hurts. I try to move, Ben pins me harder to the bed.**

**"Ben, it's mum!" I say. He cries out, face screwed up. Something floods me, it feels like I've wet myself and I flush and then the pressure comes undone again and I'm crying too.**

**"Oh God! Mum - I - " Everything comes crushing down. Ben's gone and so's mum.  The bedroom door slams shut and I'm left on the bed with something stuffed inside of me.**

**Ben made me a woman, why isn't mum happy about it.**


End file.
